Why am i crying? Why am I always crying?

Tears are precious.

That's what people says.

But,

To be honest,

Are they?

Why are tears even special in the first place?

Think about it.

Things are special when they are rare?

Things are special when they are valuable?

Things are special because people wants them?

Or...

Is it because,

Things are special when it means something?

Something that meant a lot to certain people.

Same goes to virginity.

Why is virginity special?

Why every girl try so hard to make their first time special?

Why some girls feel like they are 'contaminated' when they are rapped?

Virginity is special because there's only once.

Virginity is special,

Because it meant the willingness of a girl giving the precious part of herself,

To another person,

Normally a guy. 

What defines virginity?

The moment when someone else put himself inside of you?

The moment when a girl starts bleeding down there?

I don't know.

To me,

Virginity maybe meant something,

But it doesn't mean everything.

You might loss your virginity because of curiosity,

You might loss your virginity because you love someone,

And you give your one and only first time to that person.

For what?

Just to keep him beside you?

But the question is will he?

Or will it just be another situation that you have lost what you think is so important to you,

And you mourn about how stupid you are for making such absurd decision?

People come,

People go.

People hardly stays till the end with you,

No matter how badly you want them to,

No matter how much effort you have put in,

No matter how deep is your feelings to them.

What will actually remain in this world?

Memory?

I don't really think so.

At least I lose mine quite fast,

Sometimes that how i keep myself being so bubbly at all times.

I make myself to forget unhappy and sad stuff that happens to me,

I put all the negative feelings behind my head.

Does that work for me?

Sometimes yes.

When things have happened,

And you can't really do anything about it,

What's the point staying at the same spot,

Dwelling on the mistake and not move on?

Everyone is allowed to be sad,

But why would you want to be sad constantly?

If you are sad constantly,

Is this life making anything better to you?

Everyone know the answer.

If that's so,

Why not step out of your sadness,

And reach out for people who cares for you and want to help you?

If there's no one,

Just stand up on your own feet and be strong by yourself.

No one is responsible for your well being,

Not even your family,

Your parents who raised you,

You partner who promised or vowed to be at all times,

No matter rich or poor,

No matter in sickness or at health,

One day, 

They have to leave you.

No matter how much they love you,

Or you love them and care for them.

That's what happen in real life,

People don't stay..

People don't stay forever...

No matter how dead inside you are,

Begging for them to be there,

Beside you and hold you.

But unfortunately,

Everything can only be imagined in dreams.

So,

Move on when you're sad.

You are allowed to be sad,

Everyone is allowed to be.

But dwelling in sorrow and not walking out of the shadow do you no good.

If a person decides to stay in the shadow of darkness,

No one else can bring that person out other than the person itself.

People who cares for you can help,

But everything they do mean nothing when you decides to lock yourself up.

I care about you,

Therefore I cry.

But time is a mean devil,

Reality is a diamond door,

Where i can see through it and knowing that you are still there.

However,

No matter how struggle I am inside wanting to open up that door,

To go over to hug you in my arms and kiss you.

I am still flesh and blood.

Flesh and blood can't fight diamond.

Even if i smash myself through it

I will only be like a zombie,

Trying so hard to hit against the wall hoping it will crack open and break free. 

But at last,

The only thing i will be left with,

Is just my blood and my corpse against the bloody diamond door,

That cuts through me and leave me bleed to die.

Love makes people feel happiness,

being in the state of halcyon.

Not sure did i used the word correctly,

But I'm happy that i still remember that word.

That's one of the very last few things you left with me.

After people left,

Things start to be gone and break apart,

Memory starts to fade away too.

I try so hard to held them tight,

But destiny refuse to let me keep them.

So i can only regret why I let them go at the first place.

Or should i regret why i even let things happened at the first place?

Am i stupid?

Why do i keep repeating the same mistake again and again?

Knowing that things will not end well,

But still remain silent and keep being the normal me who chooses to be naive,

And using it as a mask.

I'll be really grateful if my life ends well,

And I actually found someone to be there with me till the rest of my life,

Someone who would share my sorrow and willing to raise a child with me perhaps.

Being myself,

I'm aware of how unstable I am,

And i'm aware of how wild my soul is.

I can control it,

But i always decide to not do so,

Unless there's someone who I think is important enough,

And I care enough to settle down for him,

And tune down my music.

Before this it had been other peoples,

But now it's you, 

And i know it's only going to be another tragedy.

But guess what,

People still watch tragedy movies and it still happens.

What's so interesting about it?

It's just another thing and experience for people to reflect,

And teach themselves a lesson,

So they won't make the same mistake again in life.

But to me,

I never learn my lesson,

I kept repeating it,

And i keep hurting myself,

Again and again.

I know something's not right,

I admit it,

But i don't want to change it,

Or even try to change it.

I leave it as it is.

Why you ask me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just a gold fish who tends to forget things so fast,

Maybe I just doesn't really mind being stupid again for another time,

For certain people,

Who I want to protect and cherish,

Who I decide to be loyal to,

Or at least try to be loyal to.

Sometimes it leaves me thinking in my head,

Is it just simply pleasure that makes us close to each other,

Or is it the connection we maybe have built in our souls?

Who knows?

And who cares?

I know I care, 

But i will never know whether you cares.

Normally I will ask and try to know what's the answer,

But in this case,

I don't have the right to do so.

In my position,

I guess I will just remain silent.

Because if i asked

I scared I might even lose the very little bit of you.

I scared you might be afraid to keep staying with me,

At least for now,

At least for the rest of the time we can still stay together.

I know one day you will definitely leave,

I know one day you will go back to someone else's arm.

I know one day things will end.

But i just want to cherish the moment now and let things be pretty as it is.

I will try to keep it pretty,

At least try my best.

In no time, 

Obstacle will be in our way,

And maybe I'll lose.

But you know what,

I'm an overcomer,

I never let myself defeated without fighting.

But till the end of the day,

I just want to let you know,

It's not the simple pleasure that makes me want to stay with you,

It might be what sparkled stuff at first,

I might be the reason why we are even close at the first place,

Because I have nothing much good qualities to let people want to keep me as a person.

But, 

Just remember,

There was something more than just simple pleasure.

Pleasure might make people feel nice and satisfying at one point,

But it'll never let people strive to their best and give one everything.

Right now,
I just want to cherish every moment I have left,
Every moment I can and are allowed to be with you.