Am I being too horny?
Am I just a slut that keeps seeking for sex?
Am I just a loner that keeps looking for attention?
My answer is:
I don't know.
Hi there,
I have left this place for quite some time.
I guess that's a good sign.
Which means I have been living in a happy state for quite a while.
Maybe not all the time.
But I do,
Most of the time.
No matter what I have written down here today,
I just want to say,
And remind myself that,
I still love you,
Very very very love you.
Therefore the emotions,
Therefore the sadness,
Therefore I'm here.
Sometimes I do agree that I am a dumb bitch.
When I love someone,
I would do anything without me realising how different I was.
Until one day,
Which for now,
It's today,
That I break and crash,
Emotionally.
I guess all those changes,
Has been accumulating and accumulating.
And one day,
It shall burst.
Not sure when,
Not sure where,
Not even sure will it actually burst,
But who knows?
Maybe.
I guess I have found my biggest fear:
Rejection.
Rejection from a love ones to be more specific,
Rejection from someone that I care.
The more I care about you,
The harder the rejection is going to hit me.
Where should I even start from?
Maybe back to the time when I started writing so much,
so much about being rejected by LG.
But to be honest,
Sometimes I do think I was just being revengeful.
Probably.
Probably I just felt that it wasn't fair for him to just leave me like that.
But to be honest,
Maybe it was a revenge on my own acts.
A revenge to me of doing the dumb decision,
And hurt the person that actually cares about me.
Sorry.
I really want to say sorry.
I'm sorry that I started feeling lonely and started stupid decisions.
No reply for a week really tested my heart and patience.
And at that point of life,
I was not mature enough to be myself in front of you.
Therefore,
We start to part.
To be fair,
It was entirely my fault.
You tried to tell me that things felt different in the essay that you wrote for me.
But it was my fault,
I did not take any action.
When i realised how dumb and stupid I was,
Time has passed,
And we have both moved on with our own life.
You are one of my biggest regret in life.
You were one of the people that I could talk day and night and not feel bored.
You were one of the people that I really loved,
And that love motivates me to make myself a better person.
But guess what,
I am a dumb bitch and I missed you.
But still,
I would never forgive myself for losing such a good friend.
Sometimes I still regret,
Regret starting the relationship.
If I did not start the relationship,
Maybe today,
We would still be good friends,
Maybe today,
We could still talk about everything like we used to do.
Or maybe,
If I just realised earlier how dumb I was,
Trying to be someone that I wasn't,
And made you grew apart from,
Maybe everything would be different.
Anyhow,
To be honest,
Till this day,
I still hope that we could one day be friends again,
I still hope that we could one day be able to talk about everything like we used to again,
I still hope that you would forgive me for dishonouring our relationship and left you,
I just really really really hope that,
We could be us again.
The happy us that could talk and share about everything.
But you know what,
It's just a hope.
And now...
I don't know should I still hope.
Like I said,
Hope brings happiness,
Hope brings despair,
We could only tell the difference,
When we taste the fruit it bears.
But guess what,
Dumb dumb and stubborn me still hopes.
Rejection of love.
Some people say,
Sex is a form of love.
A way you show your love to someone you truly like,
Or in this case,
Love.
Knowing you,
I have learnt to keep this part of me,
Just for you.
I learnt it the hard way,
But to be honest,
When do i not?
My past haunted you so much,
That you could not believe in me.
You say you do now,
I really hope you do.
I choose to trust you,
To trust that,
You really do believe me.
Because I really am trying my best to be loyal to you.
Not that I don't want to be loyal to you,
When I mean trying,
I mean trying to let you know.
I swore my words on you,
I will not cheat on you,
And I will keep my promise.
Now and forever.
I also promised,
Actually we also promised that we will stay together till at least 2069,
At least 50 years from this very first year of us being so close to each other.
But I am not gonna lie,
Relationship definitely comes in a package filled with obstacles,
And I am going through one now.
I am really struggling to fight this one here.
Maybe I am just being needy,
Maybe I am just being horny,
As I have said.
I know we could not keep our attention only on each other 24/7,
But sometimes I do wish you pay more attention on me,
Instead of spending most of your free time on fish keeping.
This is a very contradicting state that I am going through.
I know I should support you,
And I am trying to support you,
And I do admire that you have the spirit of learning more and more about the things you are interested in.
But I admit,
Selfish me sometimes do hope that you could pay more attention on me,
Spend more time with me,
And do more stuff together,
Explore together a bit more.ust
But I don't know,
From what is happening now,
I can only see a future of us,
Each doing our own stuff,
Or maybe even me going away for a period of time doing things without you by my side.
I don't want that to happen,
I want to be with you at all times.
Never leaving you,
Forever and ever.
Like what you said:
No matter what,
You will always eventually come back to me.
I shall say the same.
And I really hope that this will be a statement or rule that we both hold on to.
At this hour,
At this moment of me writing,
I am afraid,
Afraid of the rejection from sex.
Probably this would sound hilarious,
Probably this would sound like,
Oh my god,
Why are you being such a slut,
So needy and horny.
I don't know why either.
But it just hurts,
It hurts so much whenever you rejected me from sex.
The feeling,
Is like a huge chest pain,
That keeps me from sleeping,
That makes me overthink.
And eventually,
At one point,
I just break down into tears.
Maybe in our words,
I am just being a little bitch.
A little bitch that only wants things to go her way.
Probably?
I wish not,
I don't know,
But it just hurts.
Every single time it happens,
It just hurts so much.
And it just keeps me awake,
No matter how tired I am.
Problem is like a snowball,
The longer you do not deal with it,
The bigger it will become.
I tried to tell you that I am not okay,
But I don't think you got my sign.
I don't know how to just tell you,
I feel weird,
I feel embarrassed,
I feel like I am just being a little bitch,
But i don't want to be a little bitch.
Problem started to become obvious when we had to stop mid-sex,
Because of the situation,
Because of all the noise from your sister,
Because we had to wake up early the next morning.
It was fair,
I could say anything,
You had a point,
But I guess I was just being a little bitch,
And I was reluctant to just forget about it and sleep.
Maybe it was just my hormones,
I don't know.
But still,
I crushed my heart and feelings a lot,
I started making assumptions that,
Maybe we would just not have sex anymore until we are back at Melbourne,
And I started crying out of no where.
The more I think about it,
The more I cry.
I started being a little bitch.
I could not sleep and just kept myself awake.
And eventually, I only got two hours of sleep,
And we had to go to our First Aid Training.
And guess what,
Same old same old,
I got another rejection today,
And I cracked my again.
Why?
In my opinion,
I put in too much hope,
I thought it was still early and we had 9 hours or more before we need to wake up.
I forgot that you need more than 8 hours of sleep.
I was wrong,
I started hoping.
When you mentioned about condiments,
It kind of raised my hope that was already trying very hard to put itself off.
I felt like a frog under a well,
That finally jumped high enough to probably escape the well,
But suddenly got locked inside by a a piece of wood nailed onto the surface.
I jumped so high,
I fell so hard.
And as the night goes on,
I continue to overthink,
And finally,
I break into tears again.
Is it even normal?
Because a refusal from sex,
I kept finding myself crying while lying beside you,
I know I have you beside me,
But yet,
I feel so distanced from you.
At one point,
I even think I might be crazy,,
Now
Maybe I am,
Maybe I should go see someone,
A counsellor or whatsoever,
I don't know.
The funny thing is,
This is not the first time I have experienced this.
Similar thing happened before in the past,
And I had a similar reaction too.
I honestly don't know what is wrong with me.
And the worst part is,
I don't know how to tell you.
I am scared that you will be mad at me,
Or find me annoying that I started acting like because of the rejection from sex.
I am scared that it will affect out relationship,
I am scared,
I am just scared.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And guess what,
I have less than 5 hours of sleep now,
And we need to go diving tomorrow.
Let's hope everything goes well tomorrow.
Maybe it is time to sleep.
Goodnight world!
Actually Good morning world.
My third attempt to fall asleep,
We shall see how this would go for me.
Anyhow,
I love you.
Now and forever.
I just really need you to know I am hurting,
But i don't know how to tell you about it.
I really don't know.
