It will never be the same. Not only me, but you too.

You were sad when i was being cold towards you,
Yes,
i do like him a lot,
one of the reasons why,
i know he likes me,
and only me.
You know what,
I had never felt loyalty from a person for so so long,
Most probably in our case,
it's something that i would never get,
from you.
I know all your wild dreams,
it's great to know and yes,
i do feel important to be the one,
maybe the only one who knows them,
or maybe not?
i never know,
you're too clever for me to know.
I'm not clever,
but yet,
I'm not stupid.
When we meet again,
when you first bring out sone stuff,
do you think i couldnt guess that something had happened during that 2 weeks?
i know some things had changed,
it will never be the same.
I was happy,
i felt relieved from all this emotional shit,
but i am now once again inside these emotional shit.
i want to be normal,
i want to feel happy,
I thought i could,
a long long time ago.
but after time,
i know the truth,
i would never be completely happy,
because something will forever be missing.
it was already missing even before we met,
now more is gone.
i want to tell you that i do care!
i do care that after that 2 weeks,
the feeling will nevrn be the same anymore.
To be honest,
even before the 2 weeks,
i prayed soooo hard,
wishing that things would not change,
but things still did.
but who am i to say anything?
I have no rights.
It hurts when i see the love emojis,
it even hurts me when i see the smile in your face while texting.
it didn't hurt anymore when i could let go.
but yor forced me to keep holding to it,
it hurts,
it's a feeling that will never ever be away,
unless i'm able to let it go,
no matter how hard you try,
it will never be the same anymore.
i want to love you,
but loving you is killing me,
literally,
killing me and eating me up,
so much.

i just want to be happy,
purely happy.

Why am i crying? Why am I always crying?

Tears are precious.

That's what people says.

But,

To be honest,

Are they?

Why are tears even special in the first place?

Think about it.

Things are special when they are rare?

Things are special when they are valuable?

Things are special because people wants them?

Or...

Is it because,

Things are special when it means something?

Something that meant a lot to certain people.

Same goes to virginity.

Why is virginity special?

Why every girl try so hard to make their first time special?

Why some girls feel like they are 'contaminated' when they are rapped?

Virginity is special because there's only once.

Virginity is special,

Because it meant the willingness of a girl giving the precious part of herself,

To another person,

Normally a guy. 

What defines virginity?

The moment when someone else put himself inside of you?

The moment when a girl starts bleeding down there?

I don't know.

To me,

Virginity maybe meant something,

But it doesn't mean everything.

You might loss your virginity because of curiosity,

You might loss your virginity because you love someone,

And you give your one and only first time to that person.

For what?

Just to keep him beside you?

But the question is will he?

Or will it just be another situation that you have lost what you think is so important to you,

And you mourn about how stupid you are for making such absurd decision?

People come,

People go.

People hardly stays till the end with you,

No matter how badly you want them to,

No matter how much effort you have put in,

No matter how deep is your feelings to them.

What will actually remain in this world?

Memory?

I don't really think so.

At least I lose mine quite fast,

Sometimes that how i keep myself being so bubbly at all times.

I make myself to forget unhappy and sad stuff that happens to me,

I put all the negative feelings behind my head.

Does that work for me?

Sometimes yes.

When things have happened,

And you can't really do anything about it,

What's the point staying at the same spot,

Dwelling on the mistake and not move on?

Everyone is allowed to be sad,

But why would you want to be sad constantly?

If you are sad constantly,

Is this life making anything better to you?

Everyone know the answer.

If that's so,

Why not step out of your sadness,

And reach out for people who cares for you and want to help you?

If there's no one,

Just stand up on your own feet and be strong by yourself.

No one is responsible for your well being,

Not even your family,

Your parents who raised you,

You partner who promised or vowed to be at all times,

No matter rich or poor,

No matter in sickness or at health,

One day, 

They have to leave you.

No matter how much they love you,

Or you love them and care for them.

That's what happen in real life,

People don't stay..

People don't stay forever...

No matter how dead inside you are,

Begging for them to be there,

Beside you and hold you.

But unfortunately,

Everything can only be imagined in dreams.

So,

Move on when you're sad.

You are allowed to be sad,

Everyone is allowed to be.

But dwelling in sorrow and not walking out of the shadow do you no good.

If a person decides to stay in the shadow of darkness,

No one else can bring that person out other than the person itself.

People who cares for you can help,

But everything they do mean nothing when you decides to lock yourself up.

I care about you,

Therefore I cry.

But time is a mean devil,

Reality is a diamond door,

Where i can see through it and knowing that you are still there.

However,

No matter how struggle I am inside wanting to open up that door,

To go over to hug you in my arms and kiss you.

I am still flesh and blood.

Flesh and blood can't fight diamond.

Even if i smash myself through it

I will only be like a zombie,

Trying so hard to hit against the wall hoping it will crack open and break free. 

But at last,

The only thing i will be left with,

Is just my blood and my corpse against the bloody diamond door,

That cuts through me and leave me bleed to die.

Love makes people feel happiness,

being in the state of halcyon.

Not sure did i used the word correctly,

But I'm happy that i still remember that word.

That's one of the very last few things you left with me.

After people left,

Things start to be gone and break apart,

Memory starts to fade away too.

I try so hard to held them tight,

But destiny refuse to let me keep them.

So i can only regret why I let them go at the first place.

Or should i regret why i even let things happened at the first place?

Am i stupid?

Why do i keep repeating the same mistake again and again?

Knowing that things will not end well,

But still remain silent and keep being the normal me who chooses to be naive,

And using it as a mask.

I'll be really grateful if my life ends well,

And I actually found someone to be there with me till the rest of my life,

Someone who would share my sorrow and willing to raise a child with me perhaps.

Being myself,

I'm aware of how unstable I am,

And i'm aware of how wild my soul is.

I can control it,

But i always decide to not do so,

Unless there's someone who I think is important enough,

And I care enough to settle down for him,

And tune down my music.

Before this it had been other peoples,

But now it's you, 

And i know it's only going to be another tragedy.

But guess what,

People still watch tragedy movies and it still happens.

What's so interesting about it?

It's just another thing and experience for people to reflect,

And teach themselves a lesson,

So they won't make the same mistake again in life.

But to me,

I never learn my lesson,

I kept repeating it,

And i keep hurting myself,

Again and again.

I know something's not right,

I admit it,

But i don't want to change it,

Or even try to change it.

I leave it as it is.

Why you ask me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just a gold fish who tends to forget things so fast,

Maybe I just doesn't really mind being stupid again for another time,

For certain people,

Who I want to protect and cherish,

Who I decide to be loyal to,

Or at least try to be loyal to.

Sometimes it leaves me thinking in my head,

Is it just simply pleasure that makes us close to each other,

Or is it the connection we maybe have built in our souls?

Who knows?

And who cares?

I know I care, 

But i will never know whether you cares.

Normally I will ask and try to know what's the answer,

But in this case,

I don't have the right to do so.

In my position,

I guess I will just remain silent.

Because if i asked

I scared I might even lose the very little bit of you.

I scared you might be afraid to keep staying with me,

At least for now,

At least for the rest of the time we can still stay together.

I know one day you will definitely leave,

I know one day you will go back to someone else's arm.

I know one day things will end.

But i just want to cherish the moment now and let things be pretty as it is.

I will try to keep it pretty,

At least try my best.

In no time, 

Obstacle will be in our way,

And maybe I'll lose.

But you know what,

I'm an overcomer,

I never let myself defeated without fighting.

But till the end of the day,

I just want to let you know,

It's not the simple pleasure that makes me want to stay with you,

It might be what sparkled stuff at first,

I might be the reason why we are even close at the first place,

Because I have nothing much good qualities to let people want to keep me as a person.

But, 

Just remember,

There was something more than just simple pleasure.

Pleasure might make people feel nice and satisfying at one point,

But it'll never let people strive to their best and give one everything.

Right now,
I just want to cherish every moment I have left,
Every moment I can and are allowed to be with you.

原来，原来。

想当年，你出国后，留下我自己在马来西亚，过了好久好久才收到你的消息，已经不记得是你来找我，还是我主动去找你了。就在那时候，我认识了他，他开始对我有好感，一天一天的相处，一天一天的聊天，慢慢越走越近，我承认，我有动心。你终于回来了，终于。一开始我好开心，原来你还没忘记我，真的真的好开心。一封一封的信息一去一回，突然你又断掉了，突然又没有回复了。算了，找他陪我聊天吧。开学了，你没有来找过我，一次都没有，我们甚至一句话都没有说过。那时候我在想，我们到底算什么？你到底还要我吗？你，对我还有感觉吗？忍了好久，好久，开学过了两个星期这样吧，我终于鼓起勇气找你了,那天我主动请你留下来陪我，那天是我们的最后一天的前一天，如果你还记得。那天的我们仿佛回到了从前一起畅谈的日子，但是我知道，我的心变了。因为它冷了，淡了，但是我还没有放弃。那天在班上的最后那一吻，我其实有哭了少少，因为感觉上，那就是一个离别之吻。那天，他也出现了，他看到我们在一起，我追了出去，出去了看不见他，我伤心了。我知道，我很贱。当天晚上，他决定放弃我，我接受了，我也哭了，我偷偷躲起来哭了。因为结束了一段，大家不以为知的感情，我不知该向谁哭诉了。但是就在我哭得很惨很惨的时候，杰鴻打来了，他告诉我，"他"哭了。一个男人为我哭，杰鴻说，一个男人哭了，代表他真的很伤心，他真的很在乎这个人。我，心软了，我，心疼了。我不能让他为我哭，不可以，当时的心里是这样想的。我立刻打了一通电话给他，我答应他，明天我就会跟你分手，我说到做到。我其实也很心痛我们的感情，但是当时的我们其实就是一对熟悉的陌生人。分手的那一刻，我心里有期望你挽留我，可是在我说出原因后，就这样，你就这样，什么都没说，还是那么地，什么都不做。所以我以为，看来你对我的感情也就如此罢了，其实到底有多深，应该只有你自己懂吧。过后的我们就真的变成只是擦身而过的陌生人，我甚至隐隐约约感觉到，你很讨厌我，很恨我。过后忘记是谁告诉我，其实你一直没有放下你的初恋，我也就当做你在分手时候的冷漠是因为你根本不在乎，或许当时的我是解放了你。我完全掺不进你的朋友圈子，因为我根本不属于那个世界的人，在他们面前我变得好渺小。我仿佛就是你的衬托品罢了，在旁边，可有可无。直到，今天，我才知道，原来分手时候，你是真的有伤心过，你真的有崩溃过，原来当时的我在你心里至少还是有那么一点点的位置。这样就够了，至少我知道当时的我，不是只是一厢情愿，就够了。谢谢你，谢谢你当时候的疼爱，谢谢你，曾经爱过我。对不起，我伤害了你，对不起，我误会了你，对不起，我没有坚持下去，对不起，我那么容易主动得累了，对不起，真的真的对不起。你会是我心里永远的痛，你会是我这一生永远的遗憾，我会继续让那份感情埋在心底深处，就一如我分手后，是如何将那份舍不得和后悔掩盖得一丝都无法发觉。我现在只希望，我们还是朋友，我只希望，我们还能无所不谈，我只希望，你能找到幸福 =）

异。欲

思考了太多，
或许自己心中已选择下塌，
下塌在古人的身上。
或许自己已不再是什么，
或许自己也不再觉得什麽，
或许就只是想要安定下来，
回味当初只为他一个人活的滋味。
那时的我，
与朋友脱节，
几乎可说是与世隔绝，
但是心里甜滋滋的，
脑子里也就不再想什么了。
俗语说得好，
有情喝水饱，
当时的我，
为了和他相处多一分一秒，
我愿意不下食堂，
不吃任何东西，
只为了，
坐在那属于咱两人的座位上，
独自个儿傻笑着。
或许自己也不知道在笑什么，
不过当时的笑容，
却是最惬意，
最纯真的，
幸福的笑容。
经历波折，
心定了，
只想找个避风港好好休息，
养伤。。。
不论那避风港是否是我可以遮风避雨的地方，
我却执意的呆在那儿，
一动也不动，
只想让自己不再寻找其他，
只呆在那儿。
久而久之，
我仿佛不再属于这世界，
我仿佛忘了这个世界。。。
最重要是，
忘了自己以前是如何生活的。
那想问：
我现在到底该怎么过日子阿？
没了目标，
漫无目的的，
人生真的好无趣。
少了些许的暧昧，
少了些许的关心，
少了些许的呵护，
少了些许的依赖，
现在的我，
到底想干嘛？
到底应该怎样继续走下去？
我累了，
真的累了，
心累了，
身体也累了，
最重要是：
我累得再也不想累了。
我不再像从前，
从前也不再是我，
我怀念从前，
从前却不复从来，
那么，
这一切一切的折磨，
到底是为了什么？
只能说自己还走不出自己的影子，
依然活在被人遗忘的世界，
是时候该走出来啦孩子，
再呆在里面也没用，
那里，
不再容纳得下你们，
你们属于时光的猎物，
被慢慢的击倒，
最后，
只愿放下，
活出自己，
珍惜分秒，
活出精彩！

挣扎

进进出出，
出出入入，
徘徊在分岔路口间。。。
出乎意料的意外，
一闪而过的美好，
不知不觉的退步，
日复一日的考验，
时时刻刻的思念，
眨眼即失的幸福，
一时冲动的再见，
深思熟虑的放手，
不清不楚的消逝，
每分每秒的慰问，
若即若离的关怀，
一生一世的承诺，
无法忘怀的回忆，
甜入心坎的点滴，
每一幕，
都是让我成长的养分，
永远的爱。。。
友情，
就是错过的爱情~<3 p="">

Unceasing.Friendship

I went through so many in this short period of fifteen months.

Firstly, I really loved you.

What I can say is,

I have never been sure of my own feelings,

Even till now,

This moment leaving you this message here.

I believe you wont receive this,

Because our relationship has ended,

By me.

After breaking this knotted tie between us,

I was really upset and regretted of my decision.

Because I found out,

You were the one.

Who really gave me your heart,

Your love,

Your care,

Your feelings.

I really thanked you.

I never thought u did so much for me,

After some silence hours sitting alone in the spacious classroom we used to be,

I still think that,

I am surrounded by the halcyon feeling,

The unforgettable memories spent together,

Will forever stay in my mind,

And be a part of me.

As the time goes on,

I found out more about you.

I found out the ‘real’ you.

The not so wonderful part of you.

Your image in my vision was used to be so impeccable,

But now,

I know more about you,

It may be more towards the negative side,

However,

You are still such a marvelous person.

Even though,

You are no longer the 100%,

But you will always be my friend,

Friend in my mind,

Friend in the reality.=)

-BFF^^-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osoLslN8IDs

涟漪 ~。。。

种子，
只要受到太阳和雨水的照射和滋润，
它，
就会开始发芽，
如果条件允许，
有足够的营养，
它还会茁壮成长。。。
爱情的种子，
也并不例外~
心中小小的兴奋，
激情，
会在不经意间被唤起，
一旦被唤起，
再平复就有点难了~
有些人习惯了，
也就不把它当一回事。。。
但是，
我就是做不到~
克制是我唯一的解决方法，
也因此，
我果断~
面对了许多我不曾想过的问题，
因为我认为自己不配。。。
我没那么好，
我没那么优秀，
我只是好学，
什么都想懂，
纯粹，
只是个半桶水的烂家伙~
我不值得，
我很坏，
我放不下，
所以我不可能~
植物到了一定的高度，
就会开始要准备，
准备把自己的青春年华表露无遗。。。
含苞待放的它，
还未成熟，
但是，
淡淡的花香，
已经足以醉人~
醉那个会欣赏它的人，
醉那位有缘人。。。
有缘人悉心栽培，
悉心呵护，
等着它最美的那一刻，
然后将那一刻，
捕抓起来，
化为永恒，
让它一辈子属于自己~
但是在花苞儿含蓄的过程，
却也显得显眼~
让另一个有缘人注意上它，
也想照顾它，
因而帮它施肥浇水。。。
同时的双方关心，
让他很快速地，
进入了它最艳丽的时刻~
但是花儿只有一朵，
它该归谁呢？
结局，
它不归任何人，
而是凋谢了~
尽管不再亮丽，
但是曾经的风采却让人无法忘怀。。。
渐渐地，
在不知不觉中，
又到了花季了，
它，
依旧像含羞草一样，
羞涩地垂着头，
但是一被触摸，
叶枕充水，
让它暂时的辉煌。。。
它学会了，
成长需要自己的努力，
不要再寄托了~
花苞儿这时受到了很多关注，
感觉到了很多关心，
但是，
坚强已是抉择，
等待时机，
对的时机，
默默地守候，
只为那真正会把自己保护，
让自己灿烂的那位，
拥有自己。。。
让自己，
只为他而璀璨。。。

人的成长路程中，
难免会像花儿一样，
学会了坚强，
或说是，
坚持。。。
坚持为最完美而守候，
坚持是他唯一不再伤害别人，
不再伤害自己的方法~
爱，
易得易失；
那不如，
让它在远远的，
看得见，
但捉不到，
显得更唯美呢？
学不会坚持，
就别抓紧，
因为不坚持，
会摧毁。。。
抓牢了，
才不会轻易流走。。。