五年半

5.5 years,
Sorry I couldn't be the one that walks to the end of the world with you.

5.5 years,
Sorry I didn't try harder for us.

5.5 years,
Sorry I didn't give us another chance.

There will always be things that remind me of you,
We had so much so much memories together,
Those are the memories that I could only keep them alive in my heart.
You will the only person that the pink lake turned pink for. 

Leaving was never an easy choice,
But I couldn't keep doing it anymore.
I am so so tired of holding it together,
Holding myself together.

I was not a good girlfriend, 
I always drifted away so easily,
I was never supportive enough,
I would always say something mean and make you angry. 

上天啊
你千万不要偷偷告诉他
在无数夜深人静的夜晚
有个人在想他

以后的日子
你要好好照顾他
别再让人走进他心里最后却又离开他
因为我不愿再看他流泪啦

若你安排了别人给他
我会祝福他
上天你别管我
先让他幸福吧

上天啊
这些晚上我对你说的话
你别不小心漏嘴告诉他
我怕会吵醒她

给不了你应有的幸福
成不了你红地毯的新娘
做不了你的终身伴侣
因为
我不配
你值得更好

五年半了
每个吵醒你的夜晚
让你无法入眠的夜晚
都在慢慢消磨我们之间的感情

我的不知足
我的任性
我的不珍惜
我的自私
都在慢慢把我们推向悬崖边缘
而最后是我选择了坠崖

对不起
是时候
离开你
五年半了

Life is a lollipop

 Life is a lollipop,

It always start off sweet,

But eventually you eat up all the candy,

And what's left is the stick. 

Life is a lollipop,

It allows you to have a taste of its sweetness,

Get you all addicted to it,

And leave you with all the calories to deal with.

Life is a lollipop,

You don't know its flavour,

Until you give it a go,

And figure out if it's for you or not.

Life is a lollipop.

Suck on it all you want,

Give it too much force and it'll break or crack,

And you become so sad yet you can't turn back time.

Life is a lollipop,

Maybe it's time to hold back and fix the addiction,

Let go and move on,

And eventually everything will fall back into its place.

Where it should be. 

Thank you lollipop,

Thank you for encouraging me to get out there in the first place,

Thank you for bringing me around to explore the world a little,

Thank you for all the connections and friendships,

Thank you for your kindness and everything you gave me,

Thank you for all the memories and fun times.

Life is a lollipop,

Yet life goes on,

You only live once. 

YOLO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Su86fIJYaY

Things had been so great...

It's been so long.
Life have been great.
Stable,
Happy,
Without a thing to worry about.
We're so loving together,
And this is the "simple life" that I've been longing for.
Or at least that's what I believe.

It's been 4 years since I've visited all my "past histories",
Haven't really quite given it any thought.
And living so far away from everyone,
Especially being this far away from Melbourne and Malaysia,
Had really stopped me from anyone that would stir up my memories.
I mean...
It is only work life and our little couple life together over here.
To be honest,
Life is getting pretty dull.

After 4 years,
I was finally back to Malaysia.
It was really nice to be able to meet family,
friends,
and my little "brother".
Everything was great until my baby left me.
I cried so hard when he left.
Even though it's only for a week,
I couldn't bear the thought of being separated for a week.
We've been sticking together and going everywhere together,
Me being clingy has always wanted to be right by his side.
Hence, 
Me not being able to do long distance relationship,
At all.

It was only for a week,
But it seemed so different.
All the things reminded me of life back in high school.
I do sorta miss that part of my life,
When everything was very unpredictable,
And exciting.
It reminded me of youth and ...

The snowball of rejection

Am I being too needy?

Am I being too horny?

Am I just a slut that keeps seeking for sex?

Am I just a loner that keeps looking for attention?

My answer is:

I don't know.

Hi there,

I have left this place for quite some time. 

I guess that's a good sign.

Which means I have been living in a happy state for quite a while.

Maybe not all the time.

But I do,

Most of the time. 

No matter what I have written down here today,

I just want to say,

And remind myself that,

I still love you,

Very very very love you.

Therefore the emotions,

Therefore the sadness,

Therefore I'm here.

Sometimes I do agree that I am a dumb bitch.

When I love someone,

I would do anything without me realising how different I was.

Until one day,

Which for now,

It's today,

That I break and crash,

Emotionally.

I guess all those changes,

Has been accumulating and accumulating.

And one day,

It shall burst.

Not sure when,

Not sure where,

Not even sure will it actually burst,

But who knows?

Maybe.

I guess I have found my biggest fear:

Rejection.

Rejection from a love ones to be more specific,

Rejection from someone that I care.

The more I care about you,

The harder the rejection is going to hit me.

Where should I even start from?

Maybe back to the time when I started writing so much,

so much about being rejected by LG.

But to be honest,

Sometimes I do think I was just being revengeful.

Probably.

Probably I just felt that it wasn't fair for him to just leave me like that.

But to be honest,

Maybe it was a revenge on my own acts.

A revenge to me of doing the dumb decision,

And hurt the person that actually cares about me.

Sorry.

I really want to say sorry.

I'm sorry that I started feeling lonely and started stupid decisions.

No reply for a week really tested my heart and patience.

And at that point of life,

I was not mature enough to be myself in front of you.

Therefore,

We start to part.

To be fair,

It was entirely my fault.

You tried to tell me that things felt different in the essay that you wrote for me.

But it was my fault,

I did not take any action.

When i realised how dumb and stupid I was,

Time has passed,

And we have both moved on with our own life.

You are one of my biggest regret in life.

You were one of the people that I could talk day and night and not feel bored.

You were one of the people that I really loved,

And that love motivates me to make myself a better person.

But guess what, 

I am a dumb bitch and I missed you.

But still,

I would never forgive myself for losing such a good friend.

Sometimes I still regret,

Regret starting the relationship.

If I did not start the relationship,

Maybe today,

We would still be good friends,

Maybe today,

We could still talk about everything like we used to do.

Or maybe,

If I just realised earlier how dumb I was,

Trying to be someone that I wasn't,

And made you grew apart from,

Maybe everything would be different.

Anyhow,

To be honest,

Till this day,

I still hope that we could one day be friends again,

I still hope that we could one day be able to talk about everything like we used to again,

I still hope that you would forgive me for dishonouring our relationship and left you,

I just really really really hope that,

We could be us again.

The happy us that could talk and share about everything.

But you know what,

It's just a hope.

And now...

I don't know should I still hope.

Like I said,

Hope brings happiness,

Hope brings despair,

We could only tell the difference,

When we taste the fruit it bears.

But guess what,

Dumb dumb and stubborn me still hopes.

Rejection of love.

Some people say,

Sex is a form of love.

A way you show your love to someone you truly like,

Or in this case,

Love.

Knowing you,

I have learnt to keep this part of me,

Just for you.

I learnt it the hard way,

But to be honest,

When do i not?

My past haunted you so much,

That you could not believe in me.

You say you do now,

I really hope you do.

I choose to trust you,

To trust that,

You really do believe me.

Because I really am trying my best to be loyal to you.

Not that I don't want to be loyal to you,

When I mean trying,

I mean trying to let you know.

I swore my words on you,

I will not cheat on you,

And I will keep my promise.

Now and forever.

I also promised,

Actually we also promised that we will stay together till at least 2069,

At least 50 years from this very first year of us being so close to each other.

But I am not gonna lie, 

Relationship definitely comes in a package filled with obstacles,

And I am going through one now.

I am really struggling to fight this one here.

Maybe I am just being needy,

Maybe I am just being horny,

As I have said.

I know we could not keep our attention only on each other 24/7,

But sometimes I do wish you pay more attention on me,

Instead of spending most of your free time on fish keeping.

This is a very contradicting state that I am going through.

I know I should support you,

And I am trying to support you,

And I do admire that you have the spirit of learning more and more about the things you are interested in.

But I admit,

Selfish me sometimes do hope that you could pay more attention on me,

Spend more time with me,

And do more stuff together,

Explore together a bit more.ust 

But I don't know,

From what is happening now,

I can only see a future of us,

Each doing our own stuff,

Or maybe even me going away for a period of time doing things without you by my side.

I don't want that to happen,

I want to be with you at all times.

Never leaving you,

Forever and ever.

Like what you said:

No matter what,

You will always eventually come back to me.

I shall say the same.

And I really hope that this will be a statement or rule that we both hold on to.

At this hour,

At this moment of me writing,

I am afraid,

Afraid of the rejection from sex.

Probably this would sound hilarious,

Probably this would sound like,

Oh my god,

Why are you being such a slut,

So needy and horny.

I don't know why either.

But it just hurts,

It hurts so much whenever you rejected me from sex. 

The feeling,

Is like a huge chest pain,

That keeps me from sleeping,

That makes me overthink.

And eventually,

At one point,

I just break down into tears.

Maybe in our words,

I am just being a little bitch.

A little bitch that only wants things to go her way.

Probably?

I wish not,

I don't know,

But it just hurts.

Every single time it happens,

It just hurts so much.

And it just keeps me awake,

No matter how tired I am.

Problem is like a snowball,

The longer you do not deal with it,

The bigger it will become.

I tried to tell you that I am not okay,

But I don't think you got my sign.

I don't know how to just tell you,

I feel weird,

I feel embarrassed,

I feel like I am just being a little bitch,

But i don't want to be a little bitch. 

Problem started to become obvious when we had to stop mid-sex,

Because of the situation,

Because of all the noise from your sister,

Because we had to wake up early the next morning.

It was fair,

I could say anything,

You had a point,

But I guess I was just being a little bitch,

And I was reluctant to just forget about it and sleep.

Maybe it was just my hormones,

I don't know.

But still, 

I crushed my heart and feelings a lot,

I started making assumptions that,

Maybe we would just not have sex anymore until we are back at Melbourne,

And I started crying out of no where.

The more I think about it,

The more I cry.

I started being a little bitch.

I could not sleep and just kept myself awake.

And eventually, I only got two hours of sleep,

And we had to go to our First Aid Training.

And guess what,

Same old same old,

I got another rejection today,

And I cracked my again.

Why?

In my opinion,

I put in too much hope,

I thought it was still early and we had 9 hours or more before we need to wake up.

I forgot that you need more than 8 hours of sleep.

I was wrong,

I started hoping.

When you mentioned about condiments,

It kind of raised my hope that was already trying very hard to put itself off.

I felt like a frog under a well,

That finally jumped high enough to probably escape the well,

But suddenly got locked inside by a a piece of wood nailed onto the surface.

I jumped so high,

I fell so hard.

And as the night goes on,

I continue to overthink,

And finally,

I break into tears again.

Is it even normal?

Because a refusal from sex,

I kept finding myself crying while lying beside you,

I know I have you beside me, 

But yet,

I feel so distanced from you.

At one point,

I even think I might be crazy,,

Now

Maybe I am,

Maybe I should go see someone,

A counsellor or whatsoever,

I don't know.

The funny thing is,

This is not the first time I have experienced this.

Similar thing happened before in the past,

And I had a similar reaction too.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me.

And the worst part is,

I don't know how to tell you.

I am scared that you will be mad at me,

Or find me annoying that I started acting like because of the rejection from sex.

I am scared that it will affect out relationship,

I am scared,

I am just scared.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And guess what, 

I have less than 5 hours of sleep now,

And we need to go diving tomorrow.

Let's hope everything goes well tomorrow.

Maybe it is time to sleep.

Goodnight world!

Actually Good morning world.

My third attempt to fall asleep,

We shall see how this would go for me.

Anyhow,

I love you.

Now and forever.

I just really need you to know I am hurting,

But i don't know how to tell you about it.

I really don't know.

It will never be the same. Not only me, but you too.

You were sad when i was being cold towards you,
Yes,
i do like him a lot,
one of the reasons why,
i know he likes me,
and only me.
You know what,
I had never felt loyalty from a person for so so long,
Most probably in our case,
it's something that i would never get,
from you.
I know all your wild dreams,
it's great to know and yes,
i do feel important to be the one,
maybe the only one who knows them,
or maybe not?
i never know,
you're too clever for me to know.
I'm not clever,
but yet,
I'm not stupid.
When we meet again,
when you first bring out sone stuff,
do you think i couldnt guess that something had happened during that 2 weeks?
i know some things had changed,
it will never be the same.
I was happy,
i felt relieved from all this emotional shit,
but i am now once again inside these emotional shit.
i want to be normal,
i want to feel happy,
I thought i could,
a long long time ago.
but after time,
i know the truth,
i would never be completely happy,
because something will forever be missing.
it was already missing even before we met,
now more is gone.
i want to tell you that i do care!
i do care that after that 2 weeks,
the feeling will nevrn be the same anymore.
To be honest,
even before the 2 weeks,
i prayed soooo hard,
wishing that things would not change,
but things still did.
but who am i to say anything?
I have no rights.
It hurts when i see the love emojis,
it even hurts me when i see the smile in your face while texting.
it didn't hurt anymore when i could let go.
but yor forced me to keep holding to it,
it hurts,
it's a feeling that will never ever be away,
unless i'm able to let it go,
no matter how hard you try,
it will never be the same anymore.
i want to love you,
but loving you is killing me,
literally,
killing me and eating me up,
so much.

i just want to be happy,
purely happy.

Why am i crying? Why am I always crying?

Tears are precious.

That's what people says.

But,

To be honest,

Are they?

Why are tears even special in the first place?

Think about it.

Things are special when they are rare?

Things are special when they are valuable?

Things are special because people wants them?

Or...

Is it because,

Things are special when it means something?

Something that meant a lot to certain people.

Same goes to virginity.

Why is virginity special?

Why every girl try so hard to make their first time special?

Why some girls feel like they are 'contaminated' when they are rapped?

Virginity is special because there's only once.

Virginity is special,

Because it meant the willingness of a girl giving the precious part of herself,

To another person,

Normally a guy. 

What defines virginity?

The moment when someone else put himself inside of you?

The moment when a girl starts bleeding down there?

I don't know.

To me,

Virginity maybe meant something,

But it doesn't mean everything.

You might loss your virginity because of curiosity,

You might loss your virginity because you love someone,

And you give your one and only first time to that person.

For what?

Just to keep him beside you?

But the question is will he?

Or will it just be another situation that you have lost what you think is so important to you,

And you mourn about how stupid you are for making such absurd decision?

People come,

People go.

People hardly stays till the end with you,

No matter how badly you want them to,

No matter how much effort you have put in,

No matter how deep is your feelings to them.

What will actually remain in this world?

Memory?

I don't really think so.

At least I lose mine quite fast,

Sometimes that how i keep myself being so bubbly at all times.

I make myself to forget unhappy and sad stuff that happens to me,

I put all the negative feelings behind my head.

Does that work for me?

Sometimes yes.

When things have happened,

And you can't really do anything about it,

What's the point staying at the same spot,

Dwelling on the mistake and not move on?

Everyone is allowed to be sad,

But why would you want to be sad constantly?

If you are sad constantly,

Is this life making anything better to you?

Everyone know the answer.

If that's so,

Why not step out of your sadness,

And reach out for people who cares for you and want to help you?

If there's no one,

Just stand up on your own feet and be strong by yourself.

No one is responsible for your well being,

Not even your family,

Your parents who raised you,

You partner who promised or vowed to be at all times,

No matter rich or poor,

No matter in sickness or at health,

One day, 

They have to leave you.

No matter how much they love you,

Or you love them and care for them.

That's what happen in real life,

People don't stay..

People don't stay forever...

No matter how dead inside you are,

Begging for them to be there,

Beside you and hold you.

But unfortunately,

Everything can only be imagined in dreams.

So,

Move on when you're sad.

You are allowed to be sad,

Everyone is allowed to be.

But dwelling in sorrow and not walking out of the shadow do you no good.

If a person decides to stay in the shadow of darkness,

No one else can bring that person out other than the person itself.

People who cares for you can help,

But everything they do mean nothing when you decides to lock yourself up.

I care about you,

Therefore I cry.

But time is a mean devil,

Reality is a diamond door,

Where i can see through it and knowing that you are still there.

However,

No matter how struggle I am inside wanting to open up that door,

To go over to hug you in my arms and kiss you.

I am still flesh and blood.

Flesh and blood can't fight diamond.

Even if i smash myself through it

I will only be like a zombie,

Trying so hard to hit against the wall hoping it will crack open and break free. 

But at last,

The only thing i will be left with,

Is just my blood and my corpse against the bloody diamond door,

That cuts through me and leave me bleed to die.

Love makes people feel happiness,

being in the state of halcyon.

Not sure did i used the word correctly,

But I'm happy that i still remember that word.

That's one of the very last few things you left with me.

After people left,

Things start to be gone and break apart,

Memory starts to fade away too.

I try so hard to held them tight,

But destiny refuse to let me keep them.

So i can only regret why I let them go at the first place.

Or should i regret why i even let things happened at the first place?

Am i stupid?

Why do i keep repeating the same mistake again and again?

Knowing that things will not end well,

But still remain silent and keep being the normal me who chooses to be naive,

And using it as a mask.

I'll be really grateful if my life ends well,

And I actually found someone to be there with me till the rest of my life,

Someone who would share my sorrow and willing to raise a child with me perhaps.

Being myself,

I'm aware of how unstable I am,

And i'm aware of how wild my soul is.

I can control it,

But i always decide to not do so,

Unless there's someone who I think is important enough,

And I care enough to settle down for him,

And tune down my music.

Before this it had been other peoples,

But now it's you, 

And i know it's only going to be another tragedy.

But guess what,

People still watch tragedy movies and it still happens.

What's so interesting about it?

It's just another thing and experience for people to reflect,

And teach themselves a lesson,

So they won't make the same mistake again in life.

But to me,

I never learn my lesson,

I kept repeating it,

And i keep hurting myself,

Again and again.

I know something's not right,

I admit it,

But i don't want to change it,

Or even try to change it.

I leave it as it is.

Why you ask me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just a gold fish who tends to forget things so fast,

Maybe I just doesn't really mind being stupid again for another time,

For certain people,

Who I want to protect and cherish,

Who I decide to be loyal to,

Or at least try to be loyal to.

Sometimes it leaves me thinking in my head,

Is it just simply pleasure that makes us close to each other,

Or is it the connection we maybe have built in our souls?

Who knows?

And who cares?

I know I care, 

But i will never know whether you cares.

Normally I will ask and try to know what's the answer,

But in this case,

I don't have the right to do so.

In my position,

I guess I will just remain silent.

Because if i asked

I scared I might even lose the very little bit of you.

I scared you might be afraid to keep staying with me,

At least for now,

At least for the rest of the time we can still stay together.

I know one day you will definitely leave,

I know one day you will go back to someone else's arm.

I know one day things will end.

But i just want to cherish the moment now and let things be pretty as it is.

I will try to keep it pretty,

At least try my best.

In no time, 

Obstacle will be in our way,

And maybe I'll lose.

But you know what,

I'm an overcomer,

I never let myself defeated without fighting.

But till the end of the day,

I just want to let you know,

It's not the simple pleasure that makes me want to stay with you,

It might be what sparkled stuff at first,

I might be the reason why we are even close at the first place,

Because I have nothing much good qualities to let people want to keep me as a person.

But, 

Just remember,

There was something more than just simple pleasure.

Pleasure might make people feel nice and satisfying at one point,

But it'll never let people strive to their best and give one everything.

Right now,
I just want to cherish every moment I have left,
Every moment I can and are allowed to be with you.

原来，原来。

想当年，你出国后，留下我自己在马来西亚，过了好久好久才收到你的消息，已经不记得是你来找我，还是我主动去找你了。就在那时候，我认识了他，他开始对我有好感，一天一天的相处，一天一天的聊天，慢慢越走越近，我承认，我有动心。你终于回来了，终于。一开始我好开心，原来你还没忘记我，真的真的好开心。一封一封的信息一去一回，突然你又断掉了，突然又没有回复了。算了，找他陪我聊天吧。开学了，你没有来找过我，一次都没有，我们甚至一句话都没有说过。那时候我在想，我们到底算什么？你到底还要我吗？你，对我还有感觉吗？忍了好久，好久，开学过了两个星期这样吧，我终于鼓起勇气找你了,那天我主动请你留下来陪我，那天是我们的最后一天的前一天，如果你还记得。那天的我们仿佛回到了从前一起畅谈的日子，但是我知道，我的心变了。因为它冷了，淡了，但是我还没有放弃。那天在班上的最后那一吻，我其实有哭了少少，因为感觉上，那就是一个离别之吻。那天，他也出现了，他看到我们在一起，我追了出去，出去了看不见他，我伤心了。我知道，我很贱。当天晚上，他决定放弃我，我接受了，我也哭了，我偷偷躲起来哭了。因为结束了一段，大家不以为知的感情，我不知该向谁哭诉了。但是就在我哭得很惨很惨的时候，杰鴻打来了，他告诉我，"他"哭了。一个男人为我哭，杰鴻说，一个男人哭了，代表他真的很伤心，他真的很在乎这个人。我，心软了，我，心疼了。我不能让他为我哭，不可以，当时的心里是这样想的。我立刻打了一通电话给他，我答应他，明天我就会跟你分手，我说到做到。我其实也很心痛我们的感情，但是当时的我们其实就是一对熟悉的陌生人。分手的那一刻，我心里有期望你挽留我，可是在我说出原因后，就这样，你就这样，什么都没说，还是那么地，什么都不做。所以我以为，看来你对我的感情也就如此罢了，其实到底有多深，应该只有你自己懂吧。过后的我们就真的变成只是擦身而过的陌生人，我甚至隐隐约约感觉到，你很讨厌我，很恨我。过后忘记是谁告诉我，其实你一直没有放下你的初恋，我也就当做你在分手时候的冷漠是因为你根本不在乎，或许当时的我是解放了你。我完全掺不进你的朋友圈子，因为我根本不属于那个世界的人，在他们面前我变得好渺小。我仿佛就是你的衬托品罢了，在旁边，可有可无。直到，今天，我才知道，原来分手时候，你是真的有伤心过，你真的有崩溃过，原来当时的我在你心里至少还是有那么一点点的位置。这样就够了，至少我知道当时的我，不是只是一厢情愿，就够了。谢谢你，谢谢你当时候的疼爱，谢谢你，曾经爱过我。对不起，我伤害了你，对不起，我误会了你，对不起，我没有坚持下去，对不起，我那么容易主动得累了，对不起，真的真的对不起。你会是我心里永远的痛，你会是我这一生永远的遗憾，我会继续让那份感情埋在心底深处，就一如我分手后，是如何将那份舍不得和后悔掩盖得一丝都无法发觉。我现在只希望，我们还是朋友，我只希望，我们还能无所不谈，我只希望，你能找到幸福 =）